he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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