Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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