Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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