I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
