I just pynch a tree in the face
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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