No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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