Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
