Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
