Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
