Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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