You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
