A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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