i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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