awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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