I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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