In the future we'll all be gay
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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