Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize