so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
