paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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