Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
