You smell like a Billy Joel song
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
