Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
