I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
