I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
