I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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