did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
