Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
