just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
