he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
