Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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