Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
