matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
