found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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