The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
