I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
