Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
