I can tuck mytits in my pants
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
