I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
