this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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