yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize