I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
