I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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