Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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