she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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