The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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