I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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