i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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