textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
