omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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