I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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