Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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