Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
