It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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