There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
