Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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