You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
