Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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