I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
