How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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