Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
