i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
