I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
